Hold Your Stare

I’m picking you up at 7PM.

Another text from Alain.

Man, he is REALLY into me.

Alain was not her main priority tonight. Sure, she kissed him last night and yes, he was taking her tonight to a concert, but there’s something else, or someone else, in her mind. She felt a pang of guilt for not letting Alain be her main focus, but she couldn’t help it, how could she not be enganged when she was about to meet the love of her life, or her former love of her life, Cat was still confused on this one.

She couldn’t help but reach for her most stunning black dress with silver sequins combined with her silk stilletos, she knew she looked gorgeous. Without a doubt, she reached for a set of white pearls which Paris gave a while back for her birthday. She was ready.

Walking towards the kitchen, she reached for her Irish whisky and poured a little to her glass with ice.

For luck.

Her phone rang.

“Hi Soph, wish me luck tonight OK?” answered Cat.

“Wish you luck with who? The handsome boss or your lucious ex?” teased Sophie.

“Oh shut up Sophie, you know who I mean. How was meeting the parents last night?” asked Cat, just for the sake of it.

“Cat, please, I know you’re not interested in that, so spare me the chit chat will you? But I am caling you to remind you to look drop dead gorgeous and to have fun tonight,” said Sophie knowing that her best friend had probably already done that.

“I will Soph, thanks so much. I’ll call you later tonight OK? Alain is here so I better go before he drags me out,” replied Cat while peeking from her window.

“Ooo, it’s Alain now is it? OK I’ll stop teasing you and let you go, see ya!” chuckled Sophie.

“See ya Soph!”

Cat closed the phone and slowly reached for her front door. One last time she looked at herself in the mirror and smiled.

See you soon Paris.

-----------

Alain didn’t know what he was doing that night. He sat next to Cat, his hands were cold.

What was I thinking confronting Cat to her old flame?!

All he knew was if Cat was to be with him, he wanted her all to himself and not to be thinking of some old love whom, noted, left her without a trace.  Maybe that was why he took her to this concert, to reassure himself that Cat was over Paris and was ready for him. Cat was still innocently sure that Paris and Alain were total strangers to each other.

The lights darkened, one man standing highlighted by the spotlight stood in the centre of the stage. A violin in one hand. Then there he began the show.

-----------

After the show, Alain and Cat made their way to the after-show cocktail party. Cat was nervous, nervous as hell. She excused herself to the ladies room then locked herself in one of the compartments. She still couldn’t believe her ears from what Paris had just said at the end of his performance.

“And I will close this beautiful night with a song personally close to my heart. A song for all of you here and especially for a beautiful someone who captured my heart a long time ago. Dedicated to her, Beau Soir ladies and gentlemen,” announced Paris confidently.

The wall she built to keep Paris out of her life crumbled down immediately. Her heart was beating fast and her head once again spinned crazily.

Pull yourself together Cat.

She chanted those words inside her head again and again, yet she could still feel her cheeks redden. As she made her way out, in the corner of her eyes she saw what seemed to be her date of the night talking to someone, she slowly made her way to the wall in front of her, ready to eavesdrop.

“Good to see you man. You haven’t changed a bit have you!” asked Alain.

“Let’s not pretend we’re good friends OK? We’ve never been one. So, what, you guys are dating now?” a voice replied.

“Woaaa dude, are we still on this? I thought this “war” ended when you ditched her seven years ago?” Alain responded calmly.

“Nice one Alain, you lied to me?” Cat snapped, she just couldn’t hold it anymore.

Two sets of eyes stared at her, one was so familiar that she blocked Alain who was panickly trying to explain the situation. She could feel the chemistry they once felt, it all came back in a matter of seconds. All she wanted to do was to be in his arms, to hold his hands and just talk forever with him. She blushed as those thoughts ran through her mind.

“...please don’t think less of me Cat, I just...I just...like you...a lot...” stammered Alain.

“Uhmm, uhmm...I’m sorry...I shouldn’t have disturbed...” Cat said feeling like a fool.

“Cathleen...” Paris could only mutter that one word before Cat ran and disappeared through the back door.

Cocktail Feelings

Fine. I will meet you after the show, 5 minutes is all I’m giving you Paris. Don’t get hopes up that I will be watching your show, no time.

Cat stared at the message she managed to write. She also wrote the same e-mail the night when she broke down seeing her old pictures with Paris, but never had the courage to send it and deleted it instead. Now, she was again in this situation. To send, or not to send.

No, I will send it this time.

She checked the e-mail one last time. Cold, short, and uninterested – the perfect impression Cat wanted to make and sent! One minute after sending the e-mail, Cat panicked and thoughts ran through her mind. Breathing slowly, she tried to calm herself down and assured herself that it was the right thing to do. A plan had already emerged into her mind.

I will listen to him, tell him this is the last time he will see me. Kiss him on the cheek and say goodbye, turn my back and hopefully will never see him again. For good this time.

Cat snapped herself out of her imagination.

Only 24 hours to get myself ready to face Paris.

The clock showed 18.00, which meant weekend with Sophie was about to start. It was their ritual to go to Havana, their favourite bar, after work on Friday. A glass or two of their exquisite Margarita or Mojitos was their sign that the weekend has started and time to put their hair down for a while. Cat straightened up her new chic skirt and put a dash of lipstick, ready to call Sophie’s extension when her phone rang.

“Soph, I’m ready when you are,” said Cat immediately, knowing it was Sophie on the other end.

“Darl, I am so so sorry, I can’t make it tonight. I know, before you complain, we cannot break our girlie bond ritual but I really can’t. Ethan’s parents are in town and want details on the engangement and pick the wedding colour,” rambled Sophie, Cat could almost see her best friend rolled her eyes. “But do go out, I heard the PR crowd are doing some crazy dancing at the new Spanish bar down town, you’d love it!”

“Fine Soph, you are excused this time, please don’t make me wear purple on your wedding day. Have fun, if you can.” Cat chuckled a little, she knew how Ethan’s parents were sometimes a tad irritating for Sophie. “And maybe a little dancing will help me loosen up, I need to shake this bon bon,” laughter of both girls filled the phone line.

After saying goodbye to Sophie, Cat took her trench coat and was ready to call a taxi. She cursed herself for deciding not to take her car that morning.

“Going somewhere are we?” Cat stopped, knowing the familiar demanding voice she heard just this morning.

“Hey Alain, I mean Mr. Pelletier,” answered Cat politely while giving a glance around the room signalling that they were still at the office.

“You know Cathleen, you can still call me Alain, even if we are in the office. And you are going with me, you are not going to shake your bon bon at that cheap Spanish bar.” Cat blushed at the thought of Alain over-hearing her conversation. “We are going for dinner,” ordered Alain with his stern tone.


“I don’t think it’s such a good- ”

“It is a good idea, and you know I don’t take no for an answer, I thought you learn your lesson after all these times knowing me,” replied Alain calmly yet so full of authority.

Who does he think he is? Ordering me around.

Even with that thought in mind, Cat couldn’t help but gathered her things and followed Alain to the parking lot.

-----------

“I thought we were going for dinner,” Cat said in confusion. “This, I’m sure is your apartment, not a restaurant, unless of course they transformed it.”

 “Good memory Cathleen, this is my  apartment and besides who said anything about dinner in a restaurant. I’m cooking for you,” answered Alain in his convincing tone.

There is something soothing and comfortable about his voice, Cat then shaked out the thought as she faced the reality of dinner at a guy’s appartment, and not just any guy, but Alain.

As they entered Alain’s apartment on the tenth floor, Cat couldn’t help but be awed by the city light she could see. She studied the place and it looked exactly the same as the last time she was here for New Year’s party that Sophie managed to drag her into.

“Red wine?” offered Alain. Cat just nodded silently.

Alain started cooking and Cat found it surprisingly easy to talk, laugh, and share her thoughts with him. Since when did he become so easy to talk to?

An hour later he served a juicy medium-rare steak with the most delicious butter sauce. They ate while continuing their conversation, taking a sip of their almost finished red wine. Alain laughed at her lively, humorous stories while Cat listened to his deep thoughts and opinions.

“And this is dessert...” said Alain as he proudly presented two portions of crème brûlée. “Bought from L’îsle au Chocolat, which I believe is your favourite patisserie.”

“How did you know?” Cat asked curiously while taking a spoon of her heavenly crème brûlée. Alain answered just by raising his right eyebrow while giving her a mysterious smile.

The evening continued to be lovely and charming in a way Cat never expected. They listened to smooth jazz music which Alain perfectly selected. Another red wine was opened and more conversations were exchanged as they perched on his soft sofa. Alain moved closer to Cat and somehow they were entwined in a kiss.

Was it the candles lit around the room? Was it the glasses of wine they drank? Cat didn’t know what it was exactly that made his kiss to be soft and left a tingling sensation all over her body. She smiled, approving his action. She felt like a teenager once again.

“What was that for?”

“Cathleen...I like you. I’ve been dropping hints,” started Alain, there was more softness in his voice this time.

“Well, if you mean hints are ordering and forcing me...” stuttered Cat while giving a nervous laugh.

“Just listen out Cathleen, I have always liked you, but you...you just never seem to be interested in me,” continued Alain. “So, I would like to ask you for a proper date, tomorrow, please just say yes, give me a chance.” 

Cat felt her head spinned around crazily. Of course, she liked him. Who doesn’t? Smart and handsome, every girl in this town would do anything to be in Cat’s position. She admired him all through high school until now, though she has never considered her feelings for him beyond admiration.

“This is two VIP tickets, I know how much you love classical music, so tomorrow I’ll pick you up at 19.00,” explained Alain, looking straight through Cat’s eyes. Cat blushed as he looked at her so intensively. “I think you’ll love it, they have this guy playing the violin, I think you should know him, he went to the same high school as us I think, Paris something.”

Alain continued to ramble about the orchestra and the pieces that would be played, but Cat’s heart stopped beating for a second. She was thrilled that Alain asked her out for a date, but she was panicked and frustrated at the prospect place of their date.

“Uuuh, sure...” responded Cat.

 Then the rest of the night seemed blurry. Alain seemed happy by her response although she refused to be taken back home and preferred the taxi. Thoughts ran through her mind and she just wasn’t able to figure things out. All she knew was she was in a deep mess. 

Floating Memories

Cat opened one eye as she saw the sun peeking from her window. She reached for her head.

Ugh. Hangover.

Last night was Sophie’s engangement celebration. Cat remembered a lot of dancing and cocktails. She also remembered arguing with Sophie’s snobby friend, Fay.

“You make everything sooooo complicated Cat. You dumped that nice guy Darren, he was real cute. And that guy who had a really nice car, John was it his name. And now Nick! What do you want?” Fay had said last night.

“You want to know what I want? Well I don’t want no cute guy, Fay, nor a guy with some fancy car. But what I want Fay, ” answered Cat as she walked closer to Fay, while pointing her long finger towards Fay’s face “is a simple man, who knows when I’m sad and give me a hug, who knows when to hold my hands, who knows how to make me smile, who knows how to make sweet music with his violin, who can embrace me in his arms...”

It was good that Sophie pulled her and talked some sense into her before she embarassed herself further.

And now here she was laying in her bed on a Saturday morning, with a major headache and the worst part: there was only one thing, or person, running through her head right now. It was Fay’s aggresive attack last night that hit Cat, so hard that she could hardly breathe. Now, she had to face the fact, the one fact she has avoided all this time: she missed Paris. She missed him bad.

Damn it Paris. Why now? Why?

As she got up to make herself a cup of black coffee, she noticed her opened wardrobe due to picking a dress for Sophie’s do last night. As she walked towards it to close it, she noticed a light brown box on the top shelf. Her heart was beating so fast, she knew exactly what was inside the box. Unsure, she dragged a chair, climbed up and slowly took the box. As she sat down on the floor with the box in her hands, Ludwig purred as if to say “Are you sure?”.

“Of course I’m not sure Ludwig, but...” she drifted while opening the box, so gently as if it could break.

And there it was, memories of Paris and herself floating before her eyes. It danced, it tickled, it teased. It awoke every sense, every feeling she ever had or still had for him. It took her to the times where he had made her laugh, cry and sometimes even both. It erased the distance between them, and she felt close to him. Everything seemed to whirl around her mind like a merry-go-round.

With both eyes closed, Cat could feel tears streaming down her face for the God knows how many times she had cried this week. She swore she would never look back on Paris, but everything inside the box broke the promise in a second and drags her to a deep hole of their floating memories. The picture of them in a circus. The dress Paris bought her for Valentine’s day. The ridiculous trumpet he made for New Year’s party. The photos of places they had been together. The sparkly blue sapphire necklace he gave for graduation. The little violin keyring he gave just before he left, “If you can’t remember me, at least remember my music always C,” he had said before jetting off to Vienna.

She wanted to grab her Blackberry and reply Paris’ e-mail: Yes Paris! Of course I’ll meet you, I miss you so much!

But why should I? He has done nothing but hurt me.

Cat doubted and stopped herself from reaching her phone. As she sighed, the floating memories take her back to the time where Paris had said “I want you to be happy C, I want you to reach your dreams, I don’t know when I’ll be back and I don’t want me to be in the way of your life. This is for our own good”. She remembered being numb, being cut off, being hurt and thrown down. She could still feel the sting of his words through her heart. The heartbreak was still there, the scar was not healed yet, she realised after a few moment. As she sat up straight, Cat wiped her hot tears.

Enough Paris, seven years it has been, enough.

Cat left her scattered floating memories on the floor, went to the kitchen to clear her mind with a cup of black coffee she almost forgot to make. After calling Sophie to apologize her wrecklessness last night, she sat on her favourite place, her comfortable sofa. Taking deep breaths, she grabbed her Blackberry which sits in the table in front of her.

That’s it. I now know what to do.

Chaotic

Present Day


RING RING!
Cat reached for the ringing device, opened her little eyes to peek the caller ID.
Shoot! The boss!
She cleared her throat, trying her best to sound professionally awake.
"Morning Samantha!" Goodness me that was awful!
"What? No! I'm making myself coffee right now, be out in 15 minutes." Lie lie!
"Yes I will bring today's presentations and yes I have called the clients for this afternoon meeting." No need for reminders boss, I've been doing this for two years now!
"See you at the office Samantha!"

She breathed in and out, like she does every morning before panically runs around the apartment trying to chase time. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. And the routine started. 10 minutes shower, 10 minutes make up, 5 minutes shoving all make ups into her bag for more later, 5 minutes for a gulp of coffee. And off she went with wet dripping hair.
I'll use the hand dryer at the office.
She entered her old car and drove off to the office. Nothing usual. Just an ordinary office girl.

"Morning Barbara! Looking gorgeous as usual!" Cat greeted the new secretary. She smiled nervously at Cat.
"Cat! Downstairs for real breakfast in 5 minutes, I have a big juicy news for you!" ordered Sophie, her gossip best friend at the office.
"Let me just dry my hair Soph, and be down soon" answered Cat, always feeling blessed to have Sophie around.
She sat in her new chair, the smell of the new building fills the air. She absorbed. Inhale. Exhale.
"Cat! Where have you been! Client cancelled, said they added a bunch of things in the requirements, they will send the new one in one hour, take a look, fix it as soon as you can. And also take a look that new Axel project I sent you an hour ago, they need reviewing. Please please also take care of the newbies, they are useless to me, make them do something, we didn't pay them to sit around. Well, I think that's it. Leave your work at Barbara's desk, I have a vendor meeting, will be out for a day." rambled Samantha in her new tight skirt and high stilletos.
Can't do breakfast. Crazy boss on the loose. Cat texted to her best friend while she slowly sank herself into her new chair, pressing the "Start" button in her laptop.

One word that can describe Cat's job is chaotic. She didn't know why, but she somehow loved this chaoticness, always filled with tight deadlines and crazy demands. The job dissolved and engaged her everyday, that she lost herself into it, ignoring the other parts of her life. Her job was her priority, nothing else mattered.

By the end of the day Cat's head was filled with calculation, planning and designs while she walked down the aisle which led her to the ladies room. As she opened the door, she bumped into Sophie who immediately dragged her inside excitedly.

"Where were you at lunch? You should give yourself a break Cat! OK, give me one minute. The big news I was gonna tell you this morning," started Sophie.

"Soph, please..not..." rejected Cat, pleading Sophie to shut up just for now.

"I'M GETTING MARRIED!!!!!!" screamed Sophie. Then silence. Pure silence. "Say something Cat! You're not happy for me?"

"I'm sorry Soph, of course I am!! Congratulations lovely lady!" Cat forced a smile, hugged Sophie who was spinning and dancing in excitement.

"Ok, going home now, we should celebrate in the weekend! Don't work too hard Cat!" said Sophie as she closed the door behind her.

Cat opened an empty toilet, sat down on top of the closed toilet seat.

Great, another friend voluntary jumping into the black hole. Screwing her life.

She sighed at her bitter thought, then started sobbing. Within a few seconds, she wiped her tears and put on a brave face.

Cat sat back down into her chair, peeking at the big, transparent window in front of her. She saw the twinkling city lights and traffic jam. She looked at the time, 6 PM, she knew she would come home late again. The red indicator in her Blackberry blinked. She hadn't touched it for a whole day. She picked it up, ready to call fast food delivery, when she noticed 10 unread e-mails. Automatically, she slid the cursor to the icon which directly opened the messages. And there at the top was a message from a familiar name with the subject "Hi".

Thump thump thump.

She could hear her heart beating. The message was opened.

"Hi C, I'm back in town for a visit in a week. I need to see you. Love, P"

Her head spun. She could not breathe. Everything seems blurred.

Why now?